The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of
tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with
pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to
check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped
on some parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't
home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled
by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I
said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered,
and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On
ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash
Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went
fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear
that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody
from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he
wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his
mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the
cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q
chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big
since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that
redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his
head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's
stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they
weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco,
some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled
right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To
the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern
drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!
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